St Valentine's Day

St.Valentine’s Day by Sue Courtney

In early December I had the bizarre but fun experience of doing the styling for a Valentine’s Day photoshoot. It felt odd to be working on Valentine’s Day before I had bought all my Christmas presents, but that is how magazines have to work. I was charged with the task of styling two women, both of whom worked for the magazine. One was a married, mother of two boys who had very little time to devote to herself. The other was a twenty-something single girl with lots of free time for a great social life. I styled them for very different celebrations – one at home, the other at a fancy hotel. They both had hair and makeup done and fab new outfits to wear – if only for the photoshoot! They looked wonderful.

It made me think. Every year St Valentine’s Day is reserved for a special celebration that should be full of joy and love. For some it is, but it is a day dreaded by many. It is a day when we celebrate love. The problem is that it has come to hold joy only for those in a romantic, loving relationship – it can seem like the worst day of the year for those who are alone for whatever reason, but it doesn’t have to be like this.

If you are fortunate enough to be in a loving relationship then take the opportunity to celebrate – make the day special in some way. Make the effort to dress up and spend time with the one you love. Have a special meal (it is perfectly possible to make beans on toast special if you dress the table imaginatively and serve it with love and, possibly a bottle of bubbly) and make time to celebrate your love for each other. Better still, make a decision to have one special day, or evening each week or month, where you make that special effort to honour each other for the love and joy you bring to each other, or – and here is a radical idea – treat your loved one this way every day, not just once a year!

If you should happen to find yourself alone on this day you still have much to celebrate. You could get together with friends in a similar position and enjoy a meal, company and a few laughs. The love and friendship of friends is often more enduring than romantic love and deserves to be honoured and nurtured.

Alternatively, you could be your own valentine and honour the wonderful person you are. Treat yourself as kindly as you would treat a dear friend. Take time out to truly appreciate all your great qualities, skills and talents. Most of us will cook a special meal for a friend, dress up for a loved one and speak kind, encouraging words to others. Sadly we often do the opposite for ourselves – making do with any old scraps left in the cupboard for a lone meal, slobbing about in any old clothes when we think nobody will notice and berating ourselves at every opportunity for our perceived failings. If you don’t love yourself, you may feel that you are undesirable by anyone else.

Develop the habit of treating yourself with the same respect and esteem that you reserve for others. Dress well, eat well and lavish the same love, dignity and respect on yourself as you do on others – every day. Most people are surprised when they take time to listen to the words they use about themselves to themselves and others. As a nation we are very good at putting ourselves down, and this is not good for our self esteem. Just for one day, make a list of all the things you say when you are judging yourself. Include the things you say you should do that you don’t (ie. “You don’t exercise enough”). By the end of an hour you will probably be horrified. Be honest, you wouldn’t treat anyone else like that –demeaning them, constantly putting them down and finding fault with every single little thing they do – so why would you do it to yourself, when you are the most important person in your life?
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In her book “Love Colours” Pamala Oslie gives good advice for those who want to change their life, move forward and create a fulfilling relationship. First, be authentic – be the very best version of you that you can be, not a second rate imitation of someone else, however much you may admire them.  Trust yourself – believe in your capabilities. You have the ability to handle everything life brings you. If you don’t believe me, consider the fact that you have come this far and handled it all, so it seems reasonable to assume you can handle anything else that comes your way. All experience is good and as they say, “that which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”.

Become what you love. Develop in yourself the qualities you look for in other people. It rarely works to look for qualities in another that you don’t possess as if the other person can, in some way complete you. You have to be complete in yourself. Follow your intuition and be open and trust love. If you have been hurt this is difficult, but know that losing love doesn’t mean the end of happiness forever.

Face your fears. Identifying and facing up to aspects of relationships that frighten you will enable you to decide how valid they are and assess the effect they are having on your happiness. Redefine yourself in your own mind. It is possible that your definition of yourself is limiting you and the opportunities you take. If you think you are weak, lonely, inadequate or uninteresting, think again. List all the good aspects of your personality and let go of the rest. You have the ability to choose your thoughts and change your limiting beliefs. A coach can be helpful in an exploration of the origins and relevance of limiting beliefs and the effect these beliefs have on your life. A coach will then support you in developing an action plan and hold you accountable for achieving the results you want.

Finally, know what you truly desire. What sort of relationship do you really want? What qualities would the other person possess? Consider all the options and compare them to the choices you have made so far – where could you make new choices that might make you happier and take you closer to the life and relationship you desire?

I once read about a person who decided that she wanted to meet a particular kind of man, so she joined groups where she thought she would meet a man with the qualities she wished for in a partner. She did, indeed, meet the man of her dreams and they married. So consider where your perfect partner might be found and consider joining new groups. At the very least you will increase your circle of friends and have fun, which is great – and you might just meet your perfect partner.

So, whatever situation you find yourself in on St.Valentine’s Day, you have cause to celebrate.  So, make it a good one, and commit to bringing more love and joy into your life in the coming year.

Sue Courtney is an Executive Style Coach. If you would like to find out how coaching can help you close the gap between where your life is and where you would like it to be please contact Sue via her website at www.successandimagecoach.co.uk

I can also highly recommend George Pirinitzi, a relationship coach. Find him at www.attractyouridealpartner.com